Tonight will be my first night sleeping alone with Serena. Alex is going a few hours away to take an exam. I have a lot of anxiety about being alone with her through the night. I am so immature sometimes! Mostly I am concerned, like most nights, that I will just be like "I don't hear you, I don't hear you" and go back to sleep instead of getting up to feed her. Working full time makes it so hard to get up because you know you have to get up in a few hours and go work all day. I always just try to keep shoving the paci back in her mouth and hoping she gets the hint. After about 30-40 minutes of that I finally coax myself into getting up. Today I am over tired, I have that "cried all night" heaviness in my eyes that I can't seem to get rid of. Yes, I did drink a huge coffee and no, it didn't do anything. So now that I am super tired, I feel like after a work day, watching Serena, having my dad come over to meet Serena (first time since he lives in Tennessee), and my brother and his girlfriend coming too, I will DEFINITELY not be able to handle her. I should suck it up though, I know. I just have to keep telling myself "you can do it".
There are so many sayings like "I can do anything, I am a mommy" but I haven't really felt that way yet. I still feel like "Renee", and "Renee" is not an expert on anything, nor do I try to be. I am a little too easygoing and unsure at the same time. When it comes to Serena, I mostly listen to everyone else instead of myself because I feel like "what do I know about babies". I think that thinking I can do anything just because I birthed a child is ridiculous and just a little self-centered. Plus it's probably bad karma. Maybe one day, after 3 kids (if I have anymore), only then will I feel like I can conquer the world. For now I would just like to conquer tonight!